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Home Alone.

Usually when my husband travels I really have my act together. House is spotless, meals are prepared, workouts are done, relaxing ensues…

 

 

Ok, besides that fact that I sleep on the couch because it is easier to escape an intruder than if I had to jump out of my 2-story bedroom window. Aside from that, I’ve got it all together.

 

This week was quite different. As I tweeted my life away, I was a complete wreck. Dishes left in the sink and all over the place. Clothes thrown everywhere. Toilet paper and paper towel racks lacking said paper. No cooking. Scraping leftover oreo crust from a baking dish for dinner. Dragging myself out of bed. Leaving green monsters stewing in my warm bedroom. Talk about being in a funk.

 

 

 

I’ve been brainstorming ways to feel more secure. My brother comes to stay with me, but I don’t feel like waiting on him hand and foot while he mooches homemade dinners off of me interrupting his life.

 

 

 

Of course, I thought that a security system may help me feel more secure. Then decided we didn’t need the expense. I’d rather buy shoes. And lobster.

 

 

 

 

Perhaps a dog? I begged for one for 5 minutes, then remembered we are never home. And that we have a new house with new carpeting. And then decided I’d rather get a dog when I have 4 rugrats who won’t can take of the dog like my siblings and I never did.

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday I had an ‘aha!’ moment. A motion detector! Then I’d really feel safe around here. And when the motion detector came on every 5 minutes because there are deer in the yard? Oh. Hmmm..ok. Not so much.

 

 

 

 

I think I’ve figured it out.

 

 

 

 

I need my own personal security guard at the house. Perfect. Just a few days a month. Not a huge expense. Kind of like a rent-a-cop at the mall. But I want a cute one. Boy, those rent-a-cops are harrassed, aren’t they?? 

 

 

 

 

And along with my security guard, I’d like 3 half-dressed figures, preferably resembling George Clooney, Mario Lopez and David Beckham, to fan me and feed me grapes while I lie on a fluffy, cashmere, velvet bed shopping online for shoes. I would feel SO secure. Not only would I have my own rent-a-cop, but I’d have 3 beefcakes to stare at keep me safe.

 

 

 

Oh, and I’ll make sure to keep the house looking like it does below, because who wants to scour through a mess when you are trying to burglarize a house???

 

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(in the corner would be a box for my new crackberry that I got…2 weeks ago)

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(all of those veggies I bought to cook for the week….sure did go to good use)

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(please don’t notice residual oreo crumbs from said oreo crust dinner)

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(don’t even ask what is on that plate. I don’t remember what I ate last Monday)

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(at least oreo baking dish is not available for dinner anymore)

 

 

 

 

 

 

(my floor. enough said.)

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(..wtf..?)

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(4 weeks worth of laundry)

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Not thoroughly disgusted with me yet? Head on over to Julie’s blog to find out what my fitness secrets are. 

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Looking for the Glo Bar Winner?

 

 

Don’t know much about Mother Lovett – my deaf, blind, bossy and utterly hilarious grandma? She is funnier than a cross between Everybody Loves Raymond and Seinfeld.

 

You can find out more about her here, here, here, and here.

 

 

I loved hearing about the dialogues with your own grandmother (or mother!) in my weekend recap. I could laugh for hours reminiscing our Mother Lovett stories. Such as the one below – one for the history books.

 

 

 

Summer 2008, pre election.

 

Me: How are you, Grandma?

ML: Oh. I’m not great. I’m all in.

Me: Why is that?

ML: There is nothing on TV! I tried to watch the story but even that wasn’t on.

(for the record, ‘the story’ refers to The Young and The Restless, for which, my entire life, I have heard about as if the characters are her friends.)

Me: Oh that’s right, the election coverage is on.

ML: Yes. All I hear is Omaha, Omaha, Omaha. There is nothing else on but Omaha. I just want to watch the story.

Me: Omaha?

ML: Omaha! The man running for president!

 

 

 

Enough said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Orange cookies are one of my mom’s favorite cookies that Mother Lovett and I would bake at Christmastime. We didn’t always make them. The last couple of years we made them because since she could not see, hear, and successfully walked around with 4 blockages in 3 arteries for 20 years, I ran the show.

 

 

 

Her recipe called for shortening. I used butter.

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Big mistake. I tried not to use shortening because it just seems so…fatty. And filled with bad, fake…stuff. And I know this is surprising, given some of my favorite recipes.

 

 

 

 

Oranges.

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I always zested the oranges for Mother Lovett when I was younger, and now I know why.

 

 

It is a huge pain in the arse. 

 

 

 

We aren’t talking a tiny bit of zest here. 

 

 

 

 

We are talking the zest of 4-5 oranges.

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For the cookies, and the glaze.

 

 

 

 

Why does it taste so bad, but make food taste so good?

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The world will never know.

 

 

I probably shouldn’t say that because I’m sure one of you can google it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Juiced those babies all on my own.

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Freshly squeezed. 

 

 

Into my mouth. 

 

 

Err..the bowl.

 

 

 

 

 

I have an old-school juicer that was Mother Lovett’s, but I couldn’t find it.

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So I jabbed these babies with a fork and let their flesh runneth dry. 

 

 

 

Does that make sense? Did I even say it right?

 

 

 

 

Discard the seeds!

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No one wants a cookie with a hugh jass citrus seed inside. Especially me, cause I don’t want no orange growing inside my belly.

 

 

 

 

I really don’t talk like that. In fact, when my husband reads this post, he will probably scold me for even typing like that.

 

 

 

He like to remind me to say ‘I’m doing well‘ instead of ‘I’m doing good.’ For all of you wives out there, I’m sure you just love when your husband corrects things like this, right?

 

 

 

Not. It drives me batty. Do you hear that hubs? Stop. It’s annoying. Kind of like your treasures that are in our beautiful home.

 

 

 

 

 

I used buttermilk in the cookies.

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I used buttermilk that expired on 9/15/09.  But I promise I did it in respect of Mother Lovett. She had a plethora of expired items, such as soy sauce that expired in 1978, yellow mustard that expired in 1999, and Campbell’s soup that expired in 1985. 

 

 

Soup is a CANNED GOOD. Do you have any idea how long it takes for that to expire?

 

 

Oh well. At her house we all just slathered that yellow mustard on our chipped ham sandwiches and partied like it was 1999. Even though 1999 was almost 10 years ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zest in the batter.

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Cookies ready to go in the oven.

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I should mention these are more of a ‘cake-like’ cookie. Like the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies from last month.

 

 

 

 

I set the extra batter aside so I could use my mixer to make the glaze.

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Freshly squeezed orange juice and powdered sugar. And zest.

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That’s IT. So simple and so, so delicious.

 

 

 

 

Almost thick enough – better add some more sugar.

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Ahhh…perfect.

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‘Cake-like’ texture.

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After the glaze is brushed on, it dries and slightly ‘cracks.’

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Tastes like Christmas.  I would be lying if I told you I didn’t eat the glaze by the spoonful.

 

 

 

 

I didn’t eat the glaze by the spoonful.

 

 

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Orange Cookies

1 cup shortening

2 eggs

2 cups sugar

4 cups flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup buttermilk

1 1/2 cups fresh orange juice

zest of 4-5 oranges

1 pound powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 350.

Cream shortening, sugar and eggs until fluffy. Sift flour, baking soda and powder, and salt. Add dry ingredients to wet, alternating with 1 cup of buttermilk, beginning and ending with flour. Add 1/2 cup of orange juice and half of orange zest. Drop on greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 8-10 minutes.

For glaze, begin with remaining orange juice and zest in mixing bowl. On low speed, add powdered sugar in 1 cup increments until it reaches desired thickness.

Glaze cookies while still warm. Let glaze dry.

 

 

 

 

Enjoy these cookies.

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And each time you make them, think of all the 8 month old oranges I had to zest as a kid.

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 Happy Monday! 🙂

 

Well, not a very happy Monday for me because it started off with a dentist appointment. I usually do not mind going because there are many things in life worse than the dentist. However, today I was told I have about 8 zillion cavities and will be spending the next few Friday’s in the dentist chair. Hip hip horray.

 

 

 

Thank you all so much for the well wishes on our first anniversary. 🙂 We spent the day in Cleveland and I was all ready to snap pictures, but my camera decided otherwise. It gave me some goofy ‘lens error’ message – but of course was working again by the time we go home. I saw sooo many beautiful Fall scenes that I wanted to snap.

 

 

 

Something occured over the weekend that had us all in giggles and remembering Mother Lovett. For as long as I can remember, Mother Lovett pronounced about 85% of her words incorrectly and used other phrases that we never heard. I think it is common as we get older, but her’s were always quite humorous.

 

Some favorites:

ML: ‘I found a coupon in the paper for Louie’s. I’d like to go get some pots for the flowers.’

Us: ‘Louie’s? What is Louie’s? Where is Louie’s?’

ML: (getting frustrated) ‘You know – LOUIE’S. The construction place!’

Us: ‘There is no construction place called Louie’s. What on earth are you talking about?’

ML: ‘YES THERE IS!! It is blue and white and we get flower pots there.’

Us: (after a few moments of contemplation) ‘Oh…you mean Lowe’s? LOWES.’

ML: ‘No! Louie’s! Look it is right here in the paper.’

 

She definitely meant Lowe’s. She was legally blind. The w appeared as a ‘u’ and ‘i’ to her. Hmmm.

 

 

 

Us: ‘Grandma, can we get you anthing at the store?

ML: ‘Oh yes, please get me some of that torillo soup.’

Us: ‘You mean tortilla soup?’

ML: ”Yes – torillo soup.’

 

 

 

 

Baking cookies:

ML: ‘Hand me the lifter.’

Me: ‘The lifter? What is the lifter?’

ML: ‘The lifter! To get the cookies off the pan.’

Me: ‘Oh…the spatula??’

ML: ‘Yes! The lifter!’

 

 

These are just a few of the moments that we were remembering in the car ride that had us howling. Maybe you had to be there.

 

Kind of like the time you probably had to be there when my 9 year old brothers thought it was hilarious to yell out obscenities and bodily parts since she was extremely hard of hearing.

 

The boys: (randomly) ‘Vagisil!’

ML: ‘What fell??’

 

 

 

Oh, these were the days. Luckily for us, we experienced a similar day in the car on Friday. I was a bit busy playing on my crackberry since I develop a tick when I’m not connected to the entire world.

 

 

My mother: ‘Jess, we had the best lunch at Miss Martha’s. It was so good. And afterwards we had dessert and Susie orded a tai chi. It wasn’t very good though.’

Me: (half-listening, obsessed with crackberry) ‘Oh that’s a shame.’

My mother: ‘Yeah, and it really just didn’t taste good. We have all had tai chi there before, but this definitely wasn’t tai chi.’

Me: (still losing brain cells) ‘Hmmm, I wonder why..?’

My mother: ‘It just tasted weird, we always get tai chi there. Have you ever had one? You have -‘

Me: (alert, cutting in) ‘WAIT. WHAT are you saying? Tai chi?? Do you mean CHAI TEA???

My mother: ‘Yes, tai chi.’

Me: ‘MOM. OHMIGOD. It is CHAI TEA. Tai chi is a form of martial arts.’

My mother: ‘Oh. I guess you’re right. I meant chai tea.’

Me: ‘Ohmigod, you are your mother.’

 

 

At dinner:

My mother: ‘Can we go to Nordstrom Shelf tomorrow?’

Us: ‘Ummm….MOM, it’s Nordstrom RACK.’

 

 

 

So happy that Mother Lovett can live on throughout my own mother. Now if that starts happening to me, please have me committed.

 

 

 

 

I bought some of this yesterday.

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Which obviously now has to be locked in a safe, since I have 45 cavities and from here on out will never eat sugar again.

 

 

 

Yeah, right. Bring on the veneers.

 

 

 

 

 

I bought some of this, too.

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Going to try out some of the recipe suggestions and eat more veggies this week. My husband is out of town.

 

 

Sometimes I go a little overboard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And bought this $459 bottle of balsamic vinegar.

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Actually it was only $24. But in balsamic vinegar dollars, that equals $459.

 

 

 

 

Have a wonderful start to the week. 🙂

 

 

 

I’ll be back later with some goodies. In the meantime, I’m going to eat 5lbs of goodies before I get my new fillings.

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